Musings"
by Shinigami's Voice
Summary: Heero is reflecting about his partner 02. When Duo arrives from a mission, 01 decides to check Duo's records in the cockpit. What he discovers about the American is unnerving. Another part of Duo's past is going to be revealed to the Japanese pilot.
1. Default Chapter

Author's Notes: I happen to be in the mood to write an 'insight fic'. Yeah, one of those fics which study the dark sides of the characters, and man, you already know who my favorite is.always Duo! Heero is reflecting about his partner 02, as the American is out for a mission. When Duo returns, 01 decides to check DeathScythe just as usual procedure. But what he discovers in the internal records of the cockpit left him startled. Are these Duo's thoughts during the battles? A new secret about Duo's past is about to be revealed.  
  
  
  
"Musings"  
  
  
  
//Heero's POV//  
  
It's frustrating. The way he's always hiding things. In fact, he is frustrating.  
  
He is always complaining about Trowa's silence, Wufei's drastic perceptions or my cold behavior, but Duo is even more difficult to understand than any other person I've ever met.  
  
Or maybe it's me. I was taught to decode, analyze every subject in front of me. I've tried to do that with that noisy American pilot, but no success in that mission. That's what moves my curiosity, the fact that I can't get him. And the fondness that has grown between us, though I wouldn't say that in front of others.  
  
Quatre has told me to take it easy, not to push things too strongly.  
  
"I understand you would like to have all the data, the clues, the answers, Heero, as the soldier you've been trained to be. But that doesn't work on friendship. Don't push Duo too much."  
  
That's what I recall from the neo-arabic's words. But, isn't Duo the one who is always pushing me to 'be more open-up'? Of course he is!!!  
  
"C'mon Heero, wanna play cards? Lets make some interesting bets!"  
  
"C'mon, Heero-man, I bet my jacket you're too scared to sing karaoke!"  
  
"One of these days, soldier, you're gonna fry that poor laptop of yours! Give it a little time off!"  
  
"Geeze, Heero, stop glaring at me like that! You look like one of those grumpy old men!"  
  
"Hey, Heero, which is your favorite food? Game? Color? Song? Tell me!"  
  
Those are just little examples I've memorized from his requests. And the list can go on and on and on.  
  
Always there. Duo's always there for me. The one truly interested in what I type, what I do, what I think, what I like. Even if my answer is a frown, he just never gives up.  
  
No one has ever done that for me. I guess that's why we are so close friends. He wanted it so. Now that I have accepted that he is my 'buddy' (one of his terms for me) he has allowed me to come close to him. Slowly, I've been discovering things about him.  
  
If you watch close enough, you'll see things too. He is not always happy. He is not the fool he plays to be. He is not the careless teen. He is a pretender. Even is he claims he doesn't lie. I know better.  
  
I know about his past, not because he told me about it, but because Quatre and I discovered it when we stayed some time at the Sweeper's ship, and the captain told us about Maxwell Massacre.  
  
But I do know about his pain, his loss, his inner torture. I know about the ghosts and visions that haunt him. I have them too, the vision of the innocent child I killed, but I've discovered that Duo's are much stronger and constant. I suppose it's because he lived through such a tragedy.  
  
**flashback**  
  
Midnight. Darkness all around. I'm not really asleep. We are hidden in a shelter, on the middle of a mission. I flutter my eyes open as I hear a soft, desperate pant beside me. Whispers from a sleeping Duo. I slowly turn my face to see the boy in the other bed.  
  
He's tossing, grapping the blankets, his breathing is heavy and unsteady. I push myself up to catch a glimpse of his face. His features are disturbed.  
  
'Nightmare' - I conclude. I'm about to stand to wake him when he suddenly jerks upright from the bed as he awakes. If he hadn't bit his tongue, I am sure he would have screamed.  
  
He's sweaty, his chestnut bangs are stuck to his face and the t-shirt to his chest. He remains there, sitting of the bed as he tries to catch his breath.  
  
"You ok?" -I ask softly from my bed.  
  
He turns to see me, a scared glance in his eyes. I hear him gulp, seeking for his voice. A second later, he nods and his eyes turn back to normal.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine" -he smiles and then he yawns as he flops back on bed- "Man I'm tired! And this place is as hot as the dessert!"  
  
"You ok?" -I repeat.  
  
"Sure, Yuy Sir, no problem" -he replies, eyes already closed- "Night"  
  
I go back to bed, but of course, I can't sleep  
  
**end flashback**  
  
  
  
That's just one out of many memories I have of his nightmares. Things he hides about himself. And he knows I know about it. He even asked me once not to tell the others about his nigh episodes. Of course I said I wouldn't. It's another secret between us. Between best friends.  
  
I wasn't glad with the idea of having a 'best friend' at the beginning. It was dangerous, my soldier mode told me. But I realized that I desperately needed one, if I was about to save the human in me, instead of becoming a machine. I needed a friend as much as he needed one.  
  
Even if this 'one' was me, Heero Yuy, the cold soldier who was always chasing him away. But Duo has this incredible gift of forgiveness. He is always giving me second chances.  
  
Even when I was so stupid to say that I didn't care about street orphans. What was I thinking!? Even now I bit my tongue at the memory.  
  
In that occasion, he got really angry with me. I give him all the reason, he was right to be mad. Of course he didn't demonstrate it. No. He took the verbal slap and smiled. The mask in place.  
  
However, we all knew he was hurting badly. I gathered my courage and apologized some days later. And when he smiled and say it was ok, I huffed in frustration. I wanted him to be angry, to shout at me, not to pretend he wasn't hurt! I wanted sincerity, and he gave it to me.  
  
It's been the only time he has actually yelled and scolded at me. But one moment later, he was feeling sorry for it.  
  
Damn, I don't get him! Of course he forgave me. I brought myself to be sincere too and told him how much I care for him.  
  
That was like a month ago. Everything's fine now. We almost put an end to that episode. Almost. I haven't forgotten that I asked him something that time, and he hasn't answered me.  
  
I asked him a favor. To be 'real' with me. No lies, no pretensions, no fake smiles. He said he wasn't ready.  
  
I doubted it that time, because I used to think that I was close enough; I used to think I was getting to know him. But know I realize that there are more things I need to understand.  
  
I can tell this by the screen I am watching in these precise moments. I am inside the 02 Gundam's cockpit, and I have found something very.confusing, grim, weird.  
  
Let me explain myself. Duo returned yesterday night from an individual mission he had been assigned to. He had been two weeks away from the shelter-ship, so last night he was clearly exhausted.  
  
Quatre prepared him a room and he was asleep almost instantly. Trowa checked the slumbered and found no wounds. Wufei informed me that the 02 Gundam had been secured in the hangar. Everything was acceptable. Then, I happened to decide that it would be convenient to check DeathScythe's systems in case of another mission.  
  
I supposed Duo wouldn't mind. Besides, I always do that with Wing Zero, so I am familiar to the procedure. I climbed up and started to survey the connections, monitors, controls, keyboard, navigation system, coordinates.then I proceeded to check the computer's main records.  
  
This device is like the black box of a plane. It records the pilot's brain waves and the corporal performance. Though I've been suspecting for a while that it also can read the pilot's mind, like the Zero. And I just found out that my suspects are correct.  
  
I connected the records to the screens and what I discovered struck me. So, here I am, sitting inside the cockpit as the screens plays the scenes. And the scenes picture Duo during his last battle.  
  
His violet eyes are narrowed as he studies the sky and the base he is about to attack. His slender fingers surf the keyboard as he prepares DeathScythe for the fight. He's getting closer.  
  
The angle declines as the suit starts to descend at great speed. I can see the dangerous killer emerging in his eyes.the sound starts to pound in my ears as I hear how the system transforms his thoughts into words. Words in Duo's voice.  
  
I hold my breath as the musings fill the air.  
  
/// This is necessary. This MUST be done. Kill. Kill. Kill Let the blood soak my hands. More blood, more lives, more souls. This is necessary. ///  
  
The amethyst eyes hold an intense, almost wicked glance as his pupils reflect the light of the enemy fire.  
  
  
  
/// In order to create a new world, I must tear down the old one. In order to achieve peace, I must destroy and wreck havoc. I was born for this. It's MY duty///  
  
I press my lips as I watch carefully every detail of the tape, noticing how Duo's eyes close for a second, and his thoughts run unforbidden.  
  
  
  
///Let Duo dies and Death arises. Let Duo fades and Death appears. I am Shinigami. I have a cruel smile, but I smile anyway ///  
  
When his eyes snap open, there's a cold, metal emotion shining in them. Eyes of a fierce soldier. The lateral screens flash red, warning about the Dolls surrounding him.  
  
/// Explosions, fire, screams, screams. Take off, fly, destroy and smash. All of you aren't guilty, but you'll die. I don't want to kill you, but I will. For I am Death, come with me. ///  
  
I observe intensely as the Aries and Leos fight desperately against him, but a Gundam and all its might it's unstoppable for the. Duo maneuvers, dodges, fires, yields the scythe and his hair billows around him.  
  
/// You are brave and I respect that, but I must perform tonight, and Death, Death, Death that's my role in this play. I am the heart of the black Gundam. Ore wa Shinigami. ///  
  
I can see Duo is breathing heavily as he advances, leaving a track of destruction behind him. The grin crosses his face as he grips the controls once again, his glowing scythe beheading two suits. The base is falling apart among explosions and screams.  
  
/// More souls, more lives I take: My own damnation. I'm cursed. I'm committed to Hell. But let my sacrifice be enough to save the children and the future. For Earth and Colonies. I am dooming my soul to Hell, so let my sacrifice save others. ///  
  
My frown grows intense as I hear his almost pleading voice. The Gundam has halted for a few seconds. I see Duo smiling again as he focuses in the central building. His normal voice cuts the record as he encourages himself aloud.  
  
"Lets go, my pretty DeathScythe! We have to kick some more Oz's asses. We ain't letting them transport those suits, ne? We gotta work!"  
  
That's his normal voice, the one I have heard before when we go on missions together. But the other voice, the one whispering his thoughts, also belongs to him, but it's softer and more intense at the time. Like the voice of a ghostly Duo.  
  
I pay attention at the screen again as I see him making his way among the enemy, his shield protecting him and the huge wings spreading out from the back of the Gundam.  
  
/// I care for them, even if I am a savage psychotic murderer. I have wings, but painted black, black, black, black. All of you are dying, your souls are flying free. More tombs that I carve, more pain that I bring ///  
  
I can't help but to sigh as I continue seeing this whirl of fire and destruction mingled with Duo's thoughts. It's chaos. The unnerving voice starts once again as the angle goes way up high, the Gundam leaping to strike a building.  
  
/// Let your sins rest in my cross, the cross dangling from my neck, pounding on my chest endlessly. I am guilty, I am Shinigami and I open the door to Death. More suits down, one tower destroyed, two carriers made ashes. Here's the new cemetery I've built. I am Death and I smile the hollow smile ///  
  
The scene turns calmer as the seconds go by. There's a cloud of smoke covering the place, pieces of metal and iron everywhere. The base has been demolished. I see Duo panting, panting and panting. He brushes his bangs out of his face, but the locks of hair fall back in place. The voice kicks in.  
  
/// This is My duty, this Is necessary. This Was My duty, this WAS necessary. The dance of Death has been performed and more white crosses had been raised. May you rest in peace, soldiers. And now.let Death sleeps and Duo awakes, let Death vanishes and Duo reappears. I am.Duo. And I must smile. ///  
  
I lean forward from the seat, my attention caught in his features. The boy wearing the priest's garb lowers his face a bit and his eyes seem to become lively and happy as usual. The sparkle of the normal Duo is back. The smile crossing his lips is naughty, but not wicked. He stays in silence for a while and then flips the COM on, to make a quick report.  
  
"This is Duo here! I've destroyed the base and the aircraft. Mission accomplished! Now I just gotta get the Hell out of this mess. See ya later, doc!"  
  
And with that, the scene pictures his take off as he surely inputs the coordinates back to the ship.  
  
I pass my hand through my unruly short hair and finally turn the screen off. For some reason, the cockpit has gotten hotter and I am running out of air. I conclude is my organism the one agitated. I have just witnessed the most confusing and somehow scaring private thoughts of my friend. Another thing he hides about himself.  
  
Is this the way he copes with his battles? Why? Why the obsession? What's the meaning behind all this? I must know. I feel a bit guilty, but I need to understand it. Right away.  
  
I jump out of the cockpit with the firm resolution to face Duo and ask myself. It's maybe harsh and stupid too, but I need to figure this out. I walk around, pacing in the halls while I order my thoughts. Finally, I head towards the room's area. It's mid afternoon by now and I am sure Duo must be around here.  
  
I search all over the area, but he's not in his room or the kitchen. I turn to the principal hall and I hear a faint humming coming from the hangar's corridor, which I left some moments ago. Logic tells me that he's heading towards the suits.  
  
I cross the hall, following the humming. As I keep the pace, I catch a glimpse of the swinging long braid. Target localized. I see the American opening the hangar gates.  
  
"Duo" -I call him aloud.  
  
"Hey, Heero!" -he turns and waves at me- "Nice to see ya, pal! Where have ya been?" -he goes on happily, stepping into the room, walking backwards in order to face me.  
  
"I .I've been checking some things up" -I respond a bit hesitantly.  
  
"Something I can help ya?" -he asks, whirling on his heels, the rope of hair whirling too, not facing me anymore. He turns the lights on all over the place. The 5 suits stay there silently.  
  
"Yes. It's something I require your presence. And I happen to require your participation in this moment" -I reply, my voice a bit distant.  
  
He catches on the tone, and his face turns slightly to see me.  
  
"Something wrong, Heero?" -his voice is serious though his smile remains.  
  
"I don't know" -I answer as I stop behind him and prepare myself to go on- "I've been checking DeathScythe's systems"  
  
His glance is puzzled by now.  
  
"So, it's something wrong with DeathScythe?" -he guesses.  
  
"No. The systems are in perfect conditions. In fact, the testing was going so well that I also checked the internal records of your cockpit"  
  
This time he fully turns to see me.  
  
"Well, Heero, I thought we all respected each other's suit" -he says, one eyebrow quirked in question- "It's not like I am going to be upset by it, but you better tell me next time, k?"  
  
I nod, but remain in my position. Duo clearly notices there's something else, so I continue.  
  
"I found something very unusual in your records. That's what I want to talk about" -and I flip one switch, closing the gates of the room- "It's something personal" -I explain my move.  
  
"Aha" -he nods, very confused- "Mine, I suppose"  
  
"Yes. I suspected that the version of the Zero system programmed in the cockpits does an intense lecture inside the pilot's brain patterns. The system is able to read the pilot's thoughts and make them audible in the records."  
  
"Wait a sec" -Duo halts me- "Are you saying you suspected it and anyway checked my records? My thoughts in other words? Isn't that a bit.rude, impolite, wrong?" -he says with a hint of reproof tone.  
  
"Yes" -I answer after a pause- "I admit it was a completely inappropriate action, but what concerns me is what I found in your thoughts, Duo. They are the most strange thing I've ever heard from you" -I say, my face serious and calm, though I don't really feel so calm.  
  
"That is private" -he says frowning- "You're not suppose to go and."  
  
"I'm concerned about it. They are confusing. They are grim. It's like a different part of you, a dark side I hadn't." -I try to explain, but Duo starts to walk away.  
  
"You shouldn't be surprised, Heero" -he says- "You should know by now that I'm crazy. I mean, I am a soldier, not an innocent kid. I have no innocence since war started. My thoughts must be 'dark' if I am going to accomplish my tasks and."  
  
"This is necessary. This must be done. Let the blood soak my hands. This is my duty. Let Duo dies and Death arises. I am Shinigami" -I quote his own words, interrupting him.  
  
He slowly turns to see me, his eyes wide in surprise.  
  
"What did you say?" -he asks.  
  
"I don't want to kill you, but I will. I am Death, come with me. More souls and lives I take, my own damnation" -I add more lines, feeling an inward shiver at the words.  
  
"How do you.I've never said that aloud." -he stutters.  
  
"I already told you. I heard your thoughts, Duo. And this is what I found: You constantly claiming to be Death, constantly claiming souls, constantly saying you are a natural killer doomed to Hell." -I make a pause to give him time to understand what I mean.  
  
He just stares at me, stunned. Some seconds later he breathes again and looks away, as his arms come around his midsection in a gesture of self- protection. He says nothing though. I take this as my cue to go on.  
  
"The musings go on that pattern, mentioning your cross, tombs, fire, your hollow smile" -I give a step forward- "That's why I needed to talk to you immediately. You're taking a wrong, dangerous way to cope with your battles, Duo"  
  
"I have my reasons, Heero" -he says in soft voice, still a bit perplexed.  
  
"What reasons, Duo? What reasons can lead you to imagine you open the door to Death? What reasons tell you that you were born to kill? How can you really believe you are Shinigami and that you must smile despite any situation?" -I demand rather harshly.  
  
"You wouldn't understand" -he answers, lifting his glance to meet mine, and I gasp at his expression. He is smiling.  
  
Then he begins to walk towards his beloved Gundam and I brace myself and follow him.  
  
"Why? Why I wouldn't understand? If you explain me, I could figure it out. I am the one who knows more about you, Duo. You know I've never pressed you to open up as you have done with me, but.but now I am doing it. I've given you answers and trusted you and showed you that I damn care, so why won't you trust in me for once?" - I say bitterly.  
  
By now, I realize I am acting on emotions, something alien for me, something I've learned from Duo and therefore, something I only show in front of him. He stops in his way and looks at me. I can see he is mentally struggling into talk or not.  
  
"Why is that you don't believe me?" -he suddenly asks, glancing his suit and then at me.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Why don't you believe that I am Shinigami?" -he asks this time, hands on his hips- "I've taken hundreds of lives."  
  
"So have I. So has Quatre, and Trowa, and Wufei, the soldiers, rebels, Oz, etc. That makes us Shinigami too" -I reply.  
  
"No" -he answers right back- "It's not like that. That makes you Death's instruments, not Shinigami"  
  
"In that case, you aren't Shinigami either" - I say softly- "The killing we do is not because we choose it so, but because we have been trained to do so. It's to save others. I have never realized how much it affects you, so I won't call you Shinigami again because."  
  
"Even if you don't call me like that, I will continue being Shinigami"- he interrupts- "You kill because you've been trained so, but I've always been Death"  
  
I frown, deeply concerned. It's so difficult to understand him.  
  
"Why, Duo? Why don't you drop it? Drop the name, because it's not true. It's a lie. You're lying to yourself"  
  
"It's not a lie. I don't lie" -he bites back- "I've been Shinigami before I was a pilot, before I was taken in for training."  
  
I understand it all of a sudden. It makes click. He's referring to his past. His eternal ghost.  
  
"Duo, no. It's not like that" -I say softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. I search for the hidden words of kindness to help him- "It wasn't your fault. The destruction of the Maxwell Church was not your fault. You didn't kill them, you tried so hard to save them."  
  
"I've been Shinigami even before the Massacre" -he says almost in a whisper, his face downcast.  
  
I look at him confused. Before the massacre? What does that mean? I try to make a connection, but I realize I don't know about his life with Solo and the other kids.  
  
He moves away, climbing up to the platform in front of his suit. He stands there for a while, and the he sits down, his fixed in the black giant. I follow him some seconds later and take a seat beside him.  
  
"Are you going to tell me about it?" - I ask.  
  
He looks at me and smiles a rare smile I can't decipher. I only know it's desolated.  
  
"It's not a nice-fun story" -he replies, tilting his face a bit.  
  
"Please, tell me" - I nod, indicating he can go on.  
  
He suppresses a sigh and stares at the front.  
  
"Once upon a time" -he starts .  
  
  
  
  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
  
  
***Shinigami's Voice***  
  
A/N: How many times have I written the word 'Shinigami' in this fic? Hundreds, I think. Well, please prettiest people in the whole world, leave me a comment. R&R, please. This story is about to end, last chapter ahead: another part of Duo's past is going to be related to Heero, so if you give me reviews, I'll post faster.I can promise angst for the 2nd chapter. See ya soon. 


	2. once upon the time

Author's Notes: Isn't this fic the most confusing, weirdest thing I've ever written? Guess it is. Thanks for the reviews. Now I have spotted 5 people who always review. Thanks awfully. And, some one there mentioned Heero was being 'soft' in this fic. Yes, I know. And he's turning even softer now. Sorry, I need him to be OOC for this story. It's because in the last one "Healing." I made him put his foot in his mouth. Now it's his turn to be a good one. Here's what I promise, Duo's story.  
  
  
  
"Musings"  
  
  
  
Final Chapter.  
  
  
  
//Still Heero's POV//  
  
  
  
"Once upon the time" - he starts- "there was a little war orphan. This kiddo has no idea who he is or how he got there, but the point is that he is on the streets, wandering alone. The first thing he learns is that people call him 'street rat' and he is supposed to be dangerous, like any other urchin, even is he is not older than 5" -suddenly Duo grins and looks at me- "We can skip the part when he learns to steal, hot wire and break into places, ne?" -he returns his eyes to the front and goes on- "Two years later, he has learned to feed and defend by himself. He's always alone, until he bumps into a bunch of other kids, a gang..."  
  
  
  
There is a moment of silence as I see him staring wistfully at nothing.  
  
  
  
"Solo's gang" -I bring myself to murmur.  
  
  
  
"Yes, Solo's gang" -he nods- "As you well know, Solo took in this kid, making him his kind of sidekick....  
  
'There's something weird about you, kiddo. I can see it'  
  
"That's what Solo told him. At the beginning, the kid didn't trust them, not even Solo. But it took him little time to discover he had found sort of a family, though he never knew what a family was. Guess it took him a while to realize that Solo was the only person he had ever met who actually gave a damn whether he lived or not. He trusted Solo enough to show him the only thing he orphan had ever possessed" -Duo paused a second- "Since then, Solo started to call the kiddo a name after that possession. The orphan was a bit surprised that he had a name."  
  
  
  
"What was the." -I bite my tongue before I finish the question. I had never known that Duo had had another name. The braided boy turns to see me with a dangerous shine in his eyes.  
  
  
  
"I can tell you, but you will never call him that name" -he says with strong determination- "It was a name Solo gave him without imagining how dangerous it would turn to be"  
  
  
  
I swallow and nod, impressed by his glance. He nods back and continues:  
  
"The kid told the leader he had something he wanted to show him....  
  
'What is it, kiddo?' What do you want to show me?'  
  
"Solo asked the boy and he fumbled for something in his pocket. Seconds later, a metallic object shone in his hand" -Duo goes on- "The leader took it and after a pause he said....  
  
'It's a bronze key, kiddo. Where did you get it?'  
  
"The kid said he didn't remember it. Even now, he doesn't remember it. Solo gave it another look and then basted it in a tiny thread. Then he hung it to the kid's neck and murmured solemnly:  
  
'You're Key from now on. Key.....'  
  
  
  
I hear carefully Duo's words as, unconsciously, I shape the word with my lips, but his glare reminds me that I had already promised not to mention that name.  
  
  
  
"Two years later, things started to change. The colony was turning darker, more silent and much colder" -the teen in front of me says as he rubs his arms, like if he could still feel the memory- "From one day to another, people wouldn't come out of their houses, afraid of a thick mist in the streets. The kids started to feel bad, dizzy, sick. Solo called his sidekick and admonished him:  
  
'Something's in the air, Key. Something bad. Don't go out, stay in the shelter'  
  
"As the weeks went by, half of the gang was sick, lying on the floor of the rustic abandoned house they lived in. And more streets kids were lying in the allies by themselves. Solo and the oldest kids picked up the ones still breathing and brought them to the shelter. Soon, the main room was crowed with pale, whimpering children. Plague. It was a plague. Solo tried to heal them, but they had nothing. Nothing against it. The kiddo was shocked to see so many victims. All of them children. Some were younger, some were older...."  
  
Duo takes a deep breath to continue.  
  
  
  
"One day, it happened. Solo fell sick. He was very pale and weak, his face drained and he coughed blood. So sick. He called his little friend and told him in a whisper:  
  
'Hey, Key, you gotta take care of the little ones, k? The ones who are not sick yet. Go and look for another place. I'll stay here with the others. Tomorrow I'll be fine and I'll take care of them, 'cause I can't leave them now. You gotta go'  
  
"But the kiddo knew he was lying. He wasn't going to be better next day. And the kid wasn't going anywhere. If Solo couldn't take care of the gang, then he'll do it. He stood up and looked all around, the bodies on the floor. He had to take care of them. So he visited them, each one of them in their spot on the wooden floor. He talked to them for a while and smiled for them, 'cause they were so sad. The cold hands of every child took hold of Key's hands, crying all the time. But Key couldn't cry, he had to smile. He couldn't let them cry, he had to make them smile too...."  
  
"Soon, every older kid fell sick too, and Key took charge of all the victims. They were almost 35 children, and only 12 were not sick yet. He took these 12 and locked them in the furthest room of the house. Then, he came back and stayed with the sick ones. The following nights, the kids started to die. One by one. And the kid had to be there, smiling at their side, almost lulling them until they slept forever......"  
  
  
  
My face is serious, not reflecting the sorrow I can't help to feel as I hear Duo's words. Awful. Duo closes his eyes, his voice is soft as he starts again.  
  
  
  
"Key", "Death", "Death", "Smile", "Violet eyes". "Those were the murmurs of the children when they saw the kiddo walking among them. Untouched by the plague. The only one not dying in that room. Untouched among corpses. And whenever the kid stopped in front of one of them, they knew. They knew Death had arrived. The kid was the key to open the door to Death. A dying little girl smiled when he sat beside her:  
  
'I'm glad you're here' -she said as she griped his hand- 'I was afraid because I thought the skull was coming for me. But it's you. I'm glad Death is, after all, a little boy with warm smile' -and she closed her eyes.  
  
"The kid's smile didn't faltered and then he moved to another one, and another and another. He used to stay with Solo more time, encouraging him. He had vowed he wouldn't let Solo died. The kid saw a gleam of hope one day when he heard on the streets that OZ had the vaccine. He told Solo about it and, reluctantly, Solo let him go. The kid came back that night with the units he had stole. He injected Solo first, then he injected the kids who weren't sick. He couldn't do anything for the others even if he wanted so. Besides, there was just one unit left. He took it and went back to Solo's side.  
  
'Use it for yourself' -Solo told him in faint voice- 'You have to'  
  
"But Key didn't. He injected Solo again. He wanted to believe so bad that Solo still had a chance. But that night....."  
  
  
  
Duo trails off, his eyes open now. He presses his lips together, the smile slipping away.  
  
  
  
"The last 10 kids, not counting Solo, died that night. How strange enough, a 7 year old had taken 22 children to the threshold of Death. The kid was exhausted in every way, but the smile was there. Solo was feeling so bad, he was hallucinating. At dawn, the boy took Solo and the rest of the kids to the church. Yes, Maxwell Church. They tried, Sister and Father, but it was too late. Solo died next day. And the kid was beside him. Death was there........."  
  
  
  
The smile I see crossing Duo's lips makes me shiver.  
  
  
  
"The only thing the kid was sure about was that he didn't want to be Key anymore. He kept the Key away and adopted the cross. He still had to take care of the little survivors of the gang" -then the boy in priest's clothes turn to see me, his eyebrows quirked on some sort of amuse- "He thought that maybe in that way he wouldn't be Death anymore. But he was wrong. Maybe he wasn't Key, but some time later, after the Massacre...."-he halts for a minute, as a slight hint of pain crosses his eyes- "after the Massacre, he became Duo. And Duo is Shinigami"  
  
  
  
The silence stretches out as I contemplate him, his features wistful and his slender arms wrapped around his legs doubled against his chest. He looks lost.  
  
He laughs briefly all of a sudden. I open my eyes wide in surprise.  
  
"So, Heero, did the cat eat your tongue?" -he teases- "I thought you would like to say something to the kid" -he pauses, his laugh dying- "guess it's not much to say, ne?"  
  
"No. It's not much" -I agree in soft voice. Now that I've heard his explanations, I really found nothing to say to comfort him. What can I possible say to heal the painful burden he's been carrying for so long? I don't have the words.  
  
  
  
"Well, as you can see, I had 23 reasons that year to call myself Death. And I was just a child. Born to be Death with mortal feet. And the time didn't stop there. I brought Death to the Church too. Now, as the time passes, I have hundred reasons. So don't be scared, Heero, if I keep on calling myself Shinigami. There's nothing that can convince me I'm not"  
  
  
  
"Still, you're not. I wish I had the strength to convince you. Not your fault, Duo" -I murmur, watching him to stand up.  
  
  
  
He looks down at me and smiles.  
  
  
  
"Thanks. Even if it's not true" -he replies.  
  
I stand up too and I hold him by his shoulders. His face is not disturbed though. He has a calm smile. How does he do it? He lets me draw him an inch closer as I squeeze his arms a bit.  
  
  
  
"Heero" -he calls- "I can't believe I told you all that. I've never talked about it" -he grins- "And this is all because you checked my babe's records. Don't do it again, k?"  
  
"Ok" -I answer, feeling I owe him so much for sharing this with me- "Thanks for trusting me"  
  
  
  
"Huh, Heero, may I ask you two favors?" -he says, pulling back from my hold.  
  
I nod, looking into his eyes.  
  
  
  
"Don't act different now that you know this. I mean, don't pity me. I hate that. I'm strong...well, sort of. That also means don't try to push me further, because I don't want to break. And don't press me to stop smiling. I need the smiles. Even if you notice when they're not sincere, remember I wear them on behalf of them. If I happen to break, I would fail a promise I've made. So, let this happy-go-lucky Duo continues on the outside, ok?"  
  
I close my eyes and sigh. I understand now when Duo told me once that his other face was not nice, no fun. He has so much to bear with.  
  
  
  
"I'll try. But if I see you edging too close to your inner pain, I'll have to reach towards you" -I answer.  
  
  
  
He smiles with affection. He knows what I mean, he knows I care.  
  
  
  
"Fine. Favor #2: Don't tell this to anyone. Never, Heero. Lets bury this here, in this hangar" -he asks hesitantly.  
  
I smile with sympathy as I nod.  
  
  
  
"You know I won't. I promise. It's a secret between us"  
  
  
  
"Thanks" -he answers brightly. The grin decorates his features again- "Lets put this behind then" -and he jumps down from the platform- "C'mon, come down man!" -he calls.  
  
I follow him and when I reach the floor he hangs from my arm as he rambles:  
  
  
  
"Man, I'm hungry! I'm starving! I haven't eaten since.....hmmm....lunch!" -he laughs, opening the gates, dragging both of us to the halls.  
  
  
  
I smile at him, my eyes rolling at his pouts. Some meters ahead, we can see the silhouettes of the other 3 pilots talking in one intersection. Surely they are wondering where we have been.  
  
  
  
"Hey guys! Is dinner ready?" -Duo greets with a perfect smile, his expression mischievous.  
  
"Oh no, loudmouth Maxwell ahead" -Wufei sighs and Duo responds by sticking his tongue out at him.  
  
  
  
I watch him carefully, and I can't help but to feel pity and admiration at a time. Yes, he is strong. But I wonder how much longer will he be able to keep this double-face play.  
  
There's this strange emotion inside me, like some kind of gratitude. And it's because he trusts me. He told me so much about his past, though I know the story didn't end there. There's more to tell. Perhaps some day he'll trust me enough to continue.  
  
By the time being, I have to learn to understand his musings and reasons, even if it's so difficult. I have to understand, not to decode or analyze, because, as Quatre said, that doesn't work on friendship.  
  
Hmph, now I realize my training it's incomplete. As I said before, it's frustrating. But I never give up on a determination. And this time won't be the exception. Not because it's a mission, but because I care.  
  
  
  
The End.  
  
  
  
***Shinigami's Voice***  
  
A/N: May Lord give us the strength to go on even without our beloved ones, gracing this life with the joy they can't give to others anymore. May we live on behalf of them, honoring their memories. Just as Duo does. This is on memory of Fran, a boy who now is an angel in Heaven. I miss you, little one.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I want to make clear that the version of Key and the sick children doesn't belong to me. I've read it in like 5 fics out there. I don't know if it's real in Duo's past, but I consider it touching and admiring. As there are other writers using it, I hope they don't sue me for it.  
  
Someone there so nice and kind to leave me a review? Please R&R! Well now, did you guys notice there's like a hint that this fic doesn't end here? You're right! I'm working on a sequel. Please come and read it: "Facing a Past's Shadow" 


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